Only Gonzo Wizards and Holy Joes may use spells, and once one has cast a spell, part of his/her mind deteriorates and he/she must enlist the special help of a neurosurgeon, who will perform brain surgery in the cavern depths. This procedure takes up to one year.
Gonzo Wizards may also make their own spells at the expense of their entire brain.
Gonzo Wizard Spells
1st Level -
2nd Level -
3rd Level -
4th Level -
Descriptions of Gonzo Wizard Spells
1st Level -
Read English - This enables the user to read words of any book written in English of under 5th grade level. However, it is up to someone else in the party to understand what has been read.
Shut Door - Enables user to shut a door behind him, and makes that door openable only when knob is turned. 100% effectiveness guaranteed.
Pawn - Enables user to magically turn any item into one ticket and several gold pieces. Redeemable in no more than three weeks.
Stampede Rally - Especially designed for leader of party. Spell causes all characters to charge at one time away from the tiniest hint of danger.
Smack Upside Head - A situation could arise where a character stronger than the user of this spell smart-mouths the user. An utterance of this spell will make the annoying character feel as though he is being smacked, while the user is a good distance away, chuckling.
Cry - Enables user to bawl like a small child. Could frighten nasties away, but probably not.
Avalanche - Utterance of this hocus-pocus causes a great upheaval in a specified wall, cliff, or mountainside, where the stones of which crumble downwards, killing and/or burying all things in their path. Surface to be avalanched must be touched throughout the spell.
Bronson's Demeanor - Causes wizard's face to dry out, crack and wrinkle into a hardened, stone-like countenance, mean as the devil and tough as nails. The voice becomes cold and rasping, as if spoken through clenched teeth. The eyes become lifeless black orbs. May scare away a few silly nasties, but most don't appreciate impostors. Side Effects: User will give forth frightening threats and loud-mouthed insults at the most inopportune times. Permanent face damage may also result.
2nd Level -
Make Door Much Wider So We Can All Run To Try And Knock It Down Spell - Self-explanatory.
Nuclear Illusion - Illusion used to persuade non-intellectual nasties that user is a live nuclear warhead.
Wound Members of Own Party - Generally useless unless on a hate kick.
Hopscotch - Allows the user to hop about on one foot for a short period. Magic items required: Chalk stick, and rock or button.
Continual Salivation - Self-explanatory, and disgusting.
Rabbit Out of Hat - Self-explanatory, but extremely effective. Good for traveling shows.
We Want To See A Movie - Cast by the Gonzo Wizard to entertain the distraught troops. While this does heighten the morale of the characters, it also gives them slippery fingers (from buttered popcorn), and they tend to become obese (from the candy, etc.) All considered, this spell is very detrimental to the party.
Change Clothes By Self - The Gonzo Wizard who works this conjuration will be able to swiftly alter his/her appearance. Necessary magic implements: extra set of clothes, a private room or phone booth, about fifteen minutes of spare time.
3rd Level -
Astaire's Irresistible Dance - Causes opponent to change in appearance to that of Ginger Rogers and dance the night away with her beloved. When Gonzo Wizard reaches fourth level, condition of opponent becomes permanent.
Faint - Enables user to fall quickly and lie still, barely breathing. Will not move for 3-4 turns, unless raised or devoured.
Open Door - User of this dog will be able to actually open a portal by grasping the handle and turning it. Will not work if door is locked or otherwise barred.
Confuse Others - This spell consists of a lengthy routine, in which no word or action makes any sense at all. 75% chance of confusing all who behold the routine, 15% chance of boring them, 10% chance of them killing the user off.
Bargain To Save Own Skin - This spell involves a ritual in which the Gonzo Wizard screams, "I'll give you my gold if you don't eat me Mr. Nasty, sir!" Roll a six-sided die and determine success of spell below:
Create Knees - Since most players already possess these, this spell does seem a bit superfluous.
Confuse Self - Same as Confuse Others spell, performed before a mirror.
4th Level -
Succubi Love - With this spell, Gonzo Wizard is allowed to choose one of many succubi as his personal mate. This usually causes wizard to become despondent when without his mate, for his friends will taunt him with such barbs as, "Ha! You!" and other such demeaning insults.
Horror Movie Attack - Cast by a Gonzo Wizard onto an enemy party. Causes them to remember the movie Horror of Party Beach, which makes them writhe in agony, thinking of how stupid the film was.
I'm An Ugly Nasty! Sob! An extremely cruel spell cast by a Gonzo Wizard when in a malevolent mood. Causes a nasty to think himself an ugly slob. He will obtain an inferiority complex and will hide in a corner and cry.
Animate Object - Turns anything within spell focus into flat, two-dimensional garishly-colored cartoon. If spell focus is living organism, lips will not move in synchronization with voice, and physical movements tend to be jerky and repetitive. When object attempts to run, legs will simply become a circle underneath body for a few moments, then object will disappear rapidly.
Incantation of Few Delights - When wizard utters this spell, one of six things may happen (roll 1d6) to delight the user and/or his party, or to scare off opponents.
Psycho II - A more powerful version of Psycho I (q.v.), in which the victim is often apparently just as stable as anybody else, but is really an axe-wielding murderous fiend when your back is turned. Kinda makes one wonder who teaches these wizards these spells, you know?
Power Failure - This spell causes all lights in every party to be extinguished. The result of which is that characters will grope about in the dark, feeling different parts of other characters' anatomies in the process. This will produce either screams of delight or a sword thrust through the face.
Summon Death - Highly useful if the casting character can get out of the way in time. Otherwise, he will need to buy a nice 6 x 3 x 3 plot about ten feet below surface level.
Holy Joe Spells
1st Level -
2nd Level -
3rd Level -
Descriptions of Holy Joe Spells
1st Level -
Toilet-Train - Self-explanatory. Can be used on others, animals, or self.
Witch-Hunt - Finds a reasonable scapegoat for misfortune within a 200' radius.
Cure Health - This enables the user to relieve any character of strength, happiness, or sexual potency. Only works on friends, familiars, or pets.
Pray - As soon as the user of this spell meets with a nasty, he will be able to kneel and ask for survival from any deity that might be passing by, or from any that might be listening in on the Prayer Line. (See our AC&C supplement Ye Gods! for details on Prayer Line and Dial-A-Prayer.)
Pass The Plate Around - Enables user to connive cash donations from his followers; However it is cancelled out by an IRS Investigation spell.
Burn Incense - With this spell, Holy Joe can light anything of conic shape with a match.
Burn Own Finger - With this spell, Holy Joe can light any of his own fingers with a match or something of conic shape.
2nd Level -
Baptize That Nasty - Self-explanatory, but water elementals are immune to this one.
Richilieu's Cardinal Rule - Allows user to force other Holy Joes to make Holy Terror across the country.
Cure Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever Tick - Although there are very few Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever Ticks in any cavern, (one was reported to have appeared in a short fantasy role-playing game in Oslo, 1953; none since anywhere), this spell is also useful for curing other less terrible diseases, such as: gambling, sex, alcohol, collecting Brazilian Air Mail stamps, brush burns, 3rd degree burns, burns and allen, burns and burns, and life.
WASP Attack - Only usable by White Anglo-Saxon Protestants, the WASP Attack is often deadly to anyone who has botched his religion or his ancestral lineage. It will not affect anyone of the WASP category. Someone not in accordance with the WASP category will suffer the full effects of the spell, unless he/she lies. If the potential victim lies and no papers can be found, he/she will get off scot-free.
Tempt Self - Once this spell is uttered, Holy Joe can now do any or all of the following for the duration of the spell: defrock nuns, defile the cross, curse, enter politics, covet neighbor's wife, and masturbate.
Preach - See Sleep spell.
Play The Organ - Self-explanatory; +4 for a Holy Hammond Dealer.
Body Odor - Causes victim of spell to stink profusely. Reminiscent of petrified skunk, this odor causes anyone within 3 miles of the victim to vacate the area immediately leaving trails of Lysol cans behind.
3rd Level -
Don't You Kill Sacred Cows - Turns any enemy into a vegetarian. Very handy if you are being eaten. The reverse of this spell is Don't Eat the Daisies.
Circumsize - Causes male nasties to walk and sit with extreme care for several weeks. Excruciating pain inflicted. Also useful for small male children.
Return to Zion - Usable only by a Jewish Holy Joe. Gives him the power to walk into any lair, kick out the inhabitants, and conquer all rooms in a very short time.
Blasphemer Blast - A powerful spell, used only in times of greatest need. The Holy Joe cries an appeal to his or her deity, then lets the sinner have it. The material component for this spell is a Claymore mine.
Evil Chocolate - A Holy Joe will cast this on an oncoming party of nasties who will then discover the hidden cache of chocolates, and eat themselves silly, causing them to be fat.
Please, Lord, Let Me Out of This Cavern - Used as a last-ditch plea to your MC to see if you are allowed to leave the game. Useful if player has to go to the bathroom, or if house is burning.